Going to the bathroom really shouldn’t be this scary.

I know what you’re thinking and trust me, it’s not what you think.

Ya see, the other day Bozo and I had a few errands to run, so first thing in the morning he donned his Spider man suit, put on his winter boots and jacket and we headed out.

First we went to the store to buy him some new softer sweat-pants kinds of pants, in the hope that he’ll wear something other than his patched and holey jeans.  If you’d like to hear what happens when I tried to get him to wear anything else other than those patched and holey jeans, just click here.

Then, we stopped by the new fancy-looking bank that just opened a couple of months ago.   You almost kind of feel like you’ve walked into the Progressive commercial with all the White and all the Gizmos.  It’s echo-ey and looks sterilized and has a very “I, Robot” kind of feel.

While waiting in line, Bozo was playing on this huge life-sized iPad touch screen just off to the side that allows people to get all of their financial  information right there while they’re waiting.  He’s swiping and tapping it like he owns it.

Then, “Mom!  I need to go to the bathroom.”

“Right now?  Can you hold it or is it urgent?”

“No, I can hold it” he said sweetly and went back to checking the mortgage rates.

But then, 60 seconds later, “Mom.  I can’t hold it!”.   So the nice teller agreed to let us use their bathrooms.

We scurry inside, Bozo quickly pulls down his Spider man suit and  does his business as our voices echo off the tiled walls.  After he finished, and as I stood there helping him get his Spider man suit back on, a kc-135 Stratotanker Jet flew overhead the toilet flushes all by itself and is the loudest thing I have ever heard in my life.

wtf?  Why on earth does a toilet need to be that loud???

I mean, I know self-flushing toilets have been around for a while, but I’ve NEVER heard one this loud before.   Spider man and I both froze for about 3 seconds when it flushed and he grabbed on to my forearms while we each stared at it as though it were alive.

Making our way to the sink, we thought the worst was over until it was time to wash our hands.

Now for starters, the faucet is one of those automatic deals where you have to wave your hand underneath it.  But, this ones’ spatial abilities are way off.  You have to literally stick your hand directly underneath the faucet itself about a quarter of an inch from the actual mouth of the faucet, only to have it shoot straight out 6 inches toward you, forcing you to quickly back up and try to wet your hands before it shuts off again in 3 seconds.

So basically, you’re moving back and forth, back and forth in front of the sink and I swear, I started to feel like it was messing with me on purpose.

And then it’s time to dry them.

Have you ever seen this new Dyson Airblade hand dryer???

Would YOU stick your hands in there?
Is it just me, or does this look more like a vice?

Not only does it look like it just might eat your hands, but I do believe it is louder than the self-flushing toilet.  My poor, poor Spider man, curious and outgoing as he is, stuck his hands in there for only a second and as soon as that monstrosity of a hand-dryer kicked on, he just about crapped his pants all over again.  He yanked his hands out of there so fast and ran to my side while we, again, both stared at the machine that we weren’t sure wasn’t going to eat us.

Listen, I’m all for conserving water and conserving paper and being environmentally friendly and cost efficient and not having to touch a thing with your hands to keep germs at bay, it’s just a little unnerving, when you’re trying to take your daily constitution, to feel like a freight train is just on the other side of the stall, or to have the sink water attack you, or to stick your hands in something that may or may not let them go when you’re finished.

Next time I’m just going to open up my car doors and Spider Man can pee in between them in privacy.  It would be so much less traumatic.

One thought on “Going to the bathroom really shouldn’t be this scary.”

  1. Those hand dryer things seriously made my youngest cry for the first year and a half of his life!! He’s still scared, but at least he doesn’t freak out now. I agree, going to the bathroom should never be scary!!

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